House Sold, South Park, and Gross Out Videos

Yippeekayyaiyay!  The couple who made the offer seem just perfect for this place.  The wrote me a letter with their offer describing their impressions upon moving in, how they could tell how much love has been put into the house, and how excited they are to live here.  I couldn’t ask for a better family for this lovely little place.  It has been my first, real home.  I’ve lived all over.  I’ve had lots of other houses.  But I made this place all mine.  I put real blood, sweat, and tears into remodeling it.  I showed it love and it has blossomed.  Now I pass it to a new family and I will start another phase in my life.

A tear rolled out of my eye after my agent called to tell me of the offer.  I thought suddenly of all the possibilities and changes to come.  I’ve been in a holding pattern for so long now, it’s amazing this is finally happening.  Amazing, exhiliarating, and terrifying.

While I am here, I would like to tell Maestro that I have been having an amazing bit of fun. I give you kudos.  You’ve been brilliant, thank you.

I encourage all who have a dark sense of humor to watch the South Park episode on Britney Spears.  It can be found here.  It’s truly priceless.  I laughed so hard I hurt a muscle in my tummy.  Oh, and another video to watch for sheer entertainment and gross out value can be found here. This video is truly sick and wrong.  It’s not sickeningly nasty like Two Girls and a Cup, but it’s still pretty foul.  Don’t watch it while eating ice cream or yogurt or having a milkshake.  I’m just warning you.  It might not be a good thing.

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Pointless Rambling and My Review of the Tippy Canoe

What do you do when you make dinner for someone and they don’t like what you eat?  Don’t say anything, that’s what. But it’s still somewhat, I don’t know…humiliating? …face scrunch inducing?  I was so pleased to have created this chicken marinade with olive oil, crushed ginger, and garlic.  I personally thought it was delicious.  So did Milla.  Friend did not.  She didn’t say anything, but she took one bite and did not eat any more.  She also did not eat any of the plain steamed brocolli.  She did eat lots of salad.  I guess Nature cooks up better than I do.

Things that should be self-evident but apparently aren’t to me:  Don’t try to wash your face in a big sweater.  It gets wet.  Remove the sweater before washing the face, or at least rinsing.  Also, don’t keep scraping your tongue when it starts to hurt even if it’s still taking off goo.  It makes it hurt worse and you’ll also start to notice blood in the goo.

No one is buying my house.  It has been for sale now for three and a half weeks. People look at it all the time.  No one buys it.  My real estate agent said it is good that lots of people are looking at it because apparently other houses in their office are not getting nearly as much traffic.  And the average time to sell houses has been like 84 days or something, so I suppose 24 is about 2 months shy of average.  I don’t know.

Writing non-sequitur…this adorable little squirrel just ran by my window here past the computer monitor.  It jumped up on a bench and hunkered down to eat a nut.  Wow.  That was cute.

Last night I went to a restaurant that was so bad, I’d recommend it just to go in and see how bad it could really be.  It’s called Tippy Canoe and it is in Troutdale, Oregon.  Just the fact of its location should probably have been a tipoff (or Tippy off, as the case may be), but sometimes you can find some real gems in offbeat places.  This was not one of those instances.  The friend who told me about the place said he had read a review that the crab cakes were bad, but other than that, he had no information about it.  Well, since every item on the menu was exorbitantly expensive, I decided to go ahead and order those crab cakes, in spite of the poor review.  The cost for these tasty tidbits was $14.50.  This bought three silver-dollar sized lumps that were completely inedible.  Seriously like wet cat food in texture, and sort of grilled on either side.  As I began to eat the first cake, I attempted to ascertain whether the foul taste would continue with each forkful.  It did and worsened.  I felt obligated to eat the nasty things since they cost so damn much, so I slathered the second one in ketchup.  I couldn’t finish it and did not eat the third.  It was so horrible.  I may as well have eaten vomit.  They were the same texture and would have tasted better.

And the decor…well.  Wow.  Let’s just set the stage for you, shall we?  The walls are black wood paneling covered with planks.  The ceiling is metal roofing.  Faux-wooden salmon swim all over the walls towards fishing poles with loose fishing line hanging over the tables.  The plates have fly fishing lures painted on them.  The light is low, to add to the romantic ambience, you know.  Then, the piece de resistance….the bathrooms!  The bathrooms alone are worth the drive to the place just to see that such things actually exist and are used to enhance the character of a place.  The original toilet seat and cover have been removed.  In its place is an ill-fitting replacement made from clear plastic.  Molded into the clear plastic are actual fly-fishing lures, the double-hook variety.  As I said, the seats do not fit the toilets, so the basin extends out between one’s legs while seated, and the lid bangs one in the back.  It is possible to glance down and view two hooks between your thighs while doing your business.  Overall, the entire trip to the bathroom is a most enchanting experience.  When I finished using the toilet I closed the lid and looked through the clear plastic and lures into the bowl.  Good times.

Going to Tippy Canoe was entertaining.  Even though the food was so abominable, it was worth seeing such places are possible.  Oh, and I alluded earlier to the prices.  Unbelievably high.  Most menu items START at $25.  The crab cakes were some of the cheapest things there.  And the food looks terrible.  I passed several tables and the stuff wouldn’t pass muster at a Denny’s, seriously.  My friend ate a salad covered in croutons that had been soaked in lard.  I kid you not.  Gag.  Yikes.  But still, it was so much fun to make fun of the place, it was worth it.

Well I’m completely lazy and unproductive right now.  It’s pitiful.  I’m sitting here planning to write and instead I’m watching South Park videos and Chad Vader singing Chocolate Rain and ruminating on cat food cakes and lard-covered croutons.  Delish!  Such sloth goes all against my Virgo sensibilities.  Ah well.  I’m going to go watch another episode of South Park.

Molly

Woke up this morning to my dog Molly having a major seizure.  Her head was all twisted to the left her spine all to the right she could not stand she was shitting and pissing herself and her eyes were pointing in opposite directions.  It was horrible.  I’m kind of weirded out by the fact that last night I was writing about my other dog’s death, something I haven’t written about in months and I woke up to this happening.

I took her to the vet and she was not optimistic.  However since Molly seemed to improve over the course of the visit, we decided to allow her to come home and say bye to everyone.  Through the day, she improved to about 95% normal.  If you didn’t know her, you wouldn’t know she is still off.  She’s got this Picasso look to her eyes.  They’re kind of cattywompus.  I took her back to the vet this afternoon and we have adopted a wait and see attitude.  As long as she seems to be comfortable and her quality of life is decent, she gets to stay with us, but we’re clearly on a track out.  It is most likely Molly has a brain tumor.  I could spend a thousand bucks to try and find out what is wrong, but there is obviously neurologic damage and even knowing wouldn’t improve her long-term prognosis, so I’m just going to let what it is run its course.

I’m too tired to say any more than this.  I sobbed all morning long.  I’m spent.  Grief takes energy and now mine is gone.

Dogs, Blogs, and the Nice Manager at Target

My silly little dog hurt his back leg.  I suspect he injured it while jumping off the couch or the bed.  In any case, it appears to be a soft tissue injury and, while he is limping, he seems to be improving.  He does not like to step on it and walks gingerly.  Today I took him out to go potty and it was hilarious.  He wanted to lift the back left leg which would have forced him to stand on his back right, the injured leg.  He couldn’t do it.  I kept cracking up because he seemed so unwilling to lift the hurt leg to pee, even though he was holding it higher to keep from standing on it than he holds it while peeing.   Poor little guy.  He’s trying to pee and I’m laughing at him.

Now I’m sitting here typing and having to contend with greyhound nose.  Edna’s nose is just the right height to insist upon a pet from keyboard hands.  Yesterday I was practicing my new bass guitar (oh my gosh I’m hooked, it is so much fun!) and Edna kept coming over and nosing my hand while I plucked.  Maybe she wants to play too.  Silly thing.

Today Milla and I went to Target to buy her a new coat.  I normally do not shop at Target.  I think their business practices are as abhorrent as Walmart’s.  However, Milla received two gift cards for Target for Christmas and she needs a coat so I figured we could use the cards that way.  Well, while we were in the store, I put the cards in my pocket.  We found a jacket and headed up front to pay.  I reached into my pocket and one of the cards was gone.  I was so frustrated.  We combed the store looking everywhere, retracing our steps.  We did not find it.  I went up front to ask if the store had a lost and found, but the woman I asked just looked at me like I was a ghost or something and did not answer.  More frustrated, I asked a security guard who was walking by.  I didn’t have much hope it would have been turned in, but it was worth fifteen bucks so I thought we should try.  There was a rather young guy walking with the guard.  He asked us about the card, what happened, etcetera.  He then said he would look in lost and found.  In the meantime, Milla and I had picked up a cheaper jacket we had considered and were in line to pay for it.  While there, the young manager came over and gave us another fifteen dollar card.  I was speechless. We left the store and drove off.  I then realized I needed to go back and tell him thank you so we did.  He was really nice about it.  He said he thought they would find the card during cleanup after closing, but he wasn’t terribly concerned.  That guy earned bonus points from me.  I have never gotten that kind of service from Target.

While typing that my half Lab, half border collie dog, Molly, came over and said hi.  She shoved her nose under my hand for a pet.  I’m here, she said.  Pet me.  Now it’s Edna again.  I love my dogs.  Anyway, that was our afternoon.  Wasn’t that exciting?  And isn’t my life exciting that this is what I’m writing about?  Yep.  I know it is.

More Love Guru Love Letters

Here are some more letters to help ladies find their way to true love. Based on the sheer number of letters I’ve received, I am absolutely certain that many of you have similar questions and will find comfort in these answers I have provided.

Dear Love Guru,
My boyfriend says he doesn’t like the music I chose for him. He says I have zero taste and wouldn’t know a good song if it hit me in the head. I told him this hurts my feelings. He said so what? What should I do? Sincerely, Sally

Dear Sally,
I hate to tell you, darling, but your man is a mean clod and deserves to be put out on his head. Telling you that you have zero taste in music is not only not true, it’s just plain cruel. What does he know, anyway? He’s a man. Except in rare instances, men wouldn’t know musical taste if landed in their lap. Personally, I would take him out to the suburbs or the country and leave him there to figure his own way back to town, but if you love him like it seems you do, you are just going to have to change him. How? Well that’s simple. He’s going to have to spend some serious time in private quarters, the music is going to have to go a bit louder, the perfume is going to have to be sprayed a bit longer, and I hate to say this, but I think it is time to withhold some meals from this man. He really needs to learn that your love is what his life is all about and if he’s going to be critical of your choice in music, he should be thankful for every other wonderful aspect of your beautiful character. I would suggest starting out by feeding him only once a day in the late afternoon. He’ll be so grateful for the food, he won’t even notice the music. While he’s eating, turn the song up just a hair, while he’s still in the throes of tummy ecstacy. After about a week, go ahead and add another snack in the morning and when you do, bring the volume up on the music again right after he is through eating. Over the next several weeks, you can add in more meals, and also increase the size of the meals. Each time you do this, turn the musical volume up just a piece. He will begin to associate food with the song choice you made. If at any time he has something critical to say to you about your song choice, reduce the amount of food he receives for the next few days but do not lower the volume on your song. He’ll figure it out and you’ll be on your way to true love’s bliss in no time at all.

Dear Love Guru,
I hate to ask you this because you were probably intentional in leaving it out of your instructions, but what am I supposed to do with my fingernails? I have the hardest time keeping them tidy and I’m just afraid they detract from my entire sexy look. Do you have any advice? Thank you in advance, Nel
ly

Oh Nelly, Nelly,
What a fantastic question and you are so right that I should have addressed this earlier! What was I thinking? I just wasn’t, that’s all there is to it. I’m so sorry for leaving you out in the cold like this. Here’s the thing, dear. You are going to have to start using falsies. Men love a woman with long nails. They just do. Short nails remind them of their own unkempt manly hands and you know what happens when a man sees something that reminds him of himself…he begins to see you as a man. And we wouldn’t want that, now would we? So find a nice nail salon and have them apply the tips for you. If you can’t afford a salon, go ahead and apply them yourself, but be sure you use a strong adhesive so they don’t fall off. I wouldn’t use the stuff that comes with the nail kit, but go buy some serious glue from the hardware store. You can simply use a bit of sandpaper on them to even out the lumps the glue leaves. After you apply your nail tips, be sure to paint them fire engine red. Fire engine red fires up a man’s imagination like nothing else. He’ll be so hot after seeing those nails, you might not even need his private quarters for a week! Toenails actually need attention too, but they do not need to be very long. Just be sure to have them cleaned up with a lovely pedicure. Be sure to get rid of any unsightly skin or fungus. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: SOS pads. SOS pads are amazing for scrubbing nastiness off your toes and heels. If you get a little burned, put on some lotion. Your feet will be utterly amazing. Throw on some high heeled sandals and he’ll be so gaga for your gorgeous feet, he won’t be able to sleep with loving you.

Dear Love Guru,
My mother, church, God, and the Bible taught me that sex outside of marriage is a sin. Shame on you for advocating sinful bedding like this! Shame on you also for telling women to show skin! Don’t you know that God wants our bodies covered? He does not like us to show others our private parts! Even in the sanctity of the marriage bed, he would be shocked if I allowed my Husband to see my breasts during relations. Shame, shame, shame! I may be coming up on 48 years old, but God will find me a Husband when he sees fit, on His own time. And if I never find a Husband, the Lord Jesus will be happy to comply. Signed, Ruth

Dear Ruth,
I do not know how in the world you came to the conclusion that God would not want you to use your body for sex since He gave you a hoo hoo and breasts, and I’ll bet your lovely form is way sexier than even you can imagine. Plus, there is no reason you can’t follow my other advice for getting love, even without having sex early and often, you just need to modify things a little. I think maybe Jesus is a bit busy healing babies and going to church and all that to be working on being your husband, so it would be best if you found yourself a nice human man to love. It may take a bit more time for you than it will for the average girl, but you’ve got spunk and I know you’ll find true love with a man in no time just like Jesus intended.

Well how do I do that, Love Guru? I can just hear you asking me that right now, so I’m going to tell you. First of all, nothing says that a good Christian lady can’t have her hair attractively styled. In fact I have seen more Christian ladies with the hair style I advocate than I see at the mall. And having a built in support system could be quite useful for you all. You could get together and color one another’s hair! It could be so fun. After Church you could have pie and do hair. God also doesn’t mind if you wear makeup. He made men so that they aren’t bright enough to know you are a girl without makeup, so He must have intended you to use some. Makeup parties can be fun too, kind of like those candle party things you Christian girls go to, only putting makeup on instead of lighting up a bunch of wax. And if you’re feeling especially creative, you could combine one of your candle parties with a makeup and hair removal party, and use the candle wax on your bikini line, armpits, and legs. It could be so much fun! Sitting here I’m thinking perhaps I should go into the Christian lady party planning business. I think I would be good at it.

You also mentioned some concern at having to show your skin. Again, I have to wonder why the good Lord would make skin if He meant for us to cover it all the time, but I also recognize that He did give us the ability to create some fantastic clothing choices, so I suppose He intended us to be creative in this department. It is too bad that he didn’t make men with a bit more imagination so us girls wouldn’t have to make things like nipples and labia so obvious, but it is what it is. I am here to tell you that you can still follow my steps while allowing for a man’s inability to figure out a breast is a breast and not just a lump. Basically you just have to go with ill-fitting clothing all over your whole body. Wear a very tight blouse. It can have a high neck and long sleeves. Just make sure that the silhouette of your breasts is clearly visible. Since your man will not be able to see your areola, you will need to wear your shirts tight enough he can see the shape of them through the shirt. Since it sounds like short skirts would offend your religious sensibilities, simply wear your pants tight enough to see your labia. Dressing to find a man without showing skin really is not as difficult as it seems, now is it?

As you can see, there are many of my steps to love that you can follow even if you are unwilling to have sex early and often. And don’t underestimate private quarters to assist you in developing a good Christian relationship. Suppose you meet a man you really like, but he doesn’t share your devotion? You can use your private quarters to help him along. This is especially effective if you have a very cold basement or root cellar for your man’s private quarters space. Basically, make sure your man’s private quarters are good and cold. Put him in there and leave him for several days. Every few days sit with him and read to him from your Bible. After reading to him about the comfort of the Lord, give him a little something to help him warm up just a bit. Over time, he will begin to associate the comfort of the Lord with the warmth you have provided. You also have the added bonus of his associating this comfort with your love. In no time at all, he’ll love you and the Lord more than anything in the world. Religious hymns can also make an effective musical choice in a case like yours. He’ll associate the lovely hymn with his love for the both of you. What could be better than that?

Dear Love Guru,
I bought some sexy clothes like you suggested. What should I do with my old ones? I really don’t think it would be right to donate them since another woman might end up buying them and keep herself from finding love. I simply could not live with myself knowing I contributed to another woman’s unhappiness. Thanks, Dotty

Dearest Dotty,
You are truly a generous spirit and your kindness will be rewarded with true love. What to do with those clothes? That’s easy, use them to fill in the cracks of your man’s private quarters so he stays warm. There’s nothing like the softness of a nice cotton polo shirt to snuggle up against. And if he’s being naughty, you can use them to poke in his mouth until he’s quiet. Alternatively, you can give them to my previous letter writer or any other Christian ladies who need to encourage their men to be a bit more devotional.

For the original Love Guru post, go here.  For the first batch of Love Guru Love Letters, go here.

Single Mother, Foiled Again

There is a line in the film Bridget Jones’s Diary where she is talking to Mark.  She says to him, “You seem to go out of your way to make me feel like a complete idiot every time I see you and you REALLY needn’t bother.  I already feel like an idiot most of the time anyway.”

I feel like I am that line.  It is me.  I feel like an idiot most of the time anyway, so when I do something that seems to make this more self-evident, it just seems all the more obvious.  Spring break begins after school today.  I thought school ended at its usual time of 3.  I was pleased with myself for remembering there is no aftercare today.  I started my day and have been progressing towards that 3 o’clock pickup time.  At 12:49, Milla’s teacher called and asked if I knew school ended at 12:30.  Nope.  Missed that memo.  It was probably right there in the email telling me there would be no aftercare today, but I missed that part.

Nowhere in my abilities as a human do I feel like an idiot most of the time anyway than as a mom.  I feel like I’m constantly falling short.  I know other moms who are unbelievably busy, yet they seem to get things lined up and done.  Why can’t I?  Each time I take a misstep, I resolve to try harder.  I make better lists.  I go out of my way to make lunch the night before so we aren’t late in the morning.  I drag my ass out of bed to drag Milla’s ass out of bed.  I help her choose outfits and lay them out.  Yet again and again and again I keep missing things.

I just have to wonder if this is always how it’s going to be.