Gads. It’s getting to the point where I can hardly stand to read anything about the news anymore. The level of disconnect of so many citizens in this country is disheartening. So many people get all their information from one news channel and screaming talk radio. So many have zero knowledge about the issues they scream about. They know a few buzzwords, but have no idea what the hell it is they are talking about. And it seems that the typical response of these ignorant fools when presented with a logical, educated response to their ranting is to diverge off into another unrelated rant. Seriously disheartening.
On a personal note, too often lately I have writing ideas that do not get written down. I’m back where I was five or six years ago when I didn’t write things down and would lose so many good ideas. I do that all the time now. Back then, I decided to carry around a tablet to write on when I thought of something. Then I became good at writing every day on the computer (and especially this blog) and the ideas started getting captured. Then I took my life down a path and did not end up at the expected destination and stopped writing as much and the ideas are getting lost again. I think the notebook is going to have to return to capture some of the ideas. Disheartening too.
Isabel is lying on my lap asleep. Milla and I watched a movie tonight called The Private Lives of Pippa Lee. Sadly, I could identify with Pippa’s feelings of helplessness and despair. I loved it when she finally realized she was free from the cage of a life she created for herself. I wonder what is going to be my catalyst. Is there going to be one or am I stuck here forever because I made decisions I thought were the right ones and they turned out to be not so great? For years I went through life just kind of taking it as it came. Then I started living with intention, making decisions with some effort towards control of my destiny and things turned out worse.
Of course, here I am saying that with this daughter on my lap I would not trade for anything ever. With Milla I knew without question that I did not regret one second of my life up until the moment she was conceived because I would not want anything to have happened that would have led to life without her. Now I would not trade Isabel for anything, but I have regrets. I cannot reconcile these two perspectives. I do not know how I can want Isabel with all my heart, yet know that I hold so many regrets. Although come to think of it the strongest of my regrets are for after she was conceived. I could live with the choices up to that minute. I actually wish I had done things much differently after. So I suppose the two aren’t so different. Good to realize.
Today I bought a Kenneth Cole leather computer bag for twenty bucks. Not bad. Fits the new computer. My personal computer is a Macbook and it’s smaller, so the new computer would not fit in the bag. I was thinking I was going to have to get some ugly thing because I didn’t want to spend much, so this was a nice buy. I would have liked to find a yellow or orange or pink leather one, but that would have cost a lot more, so this will do. Black works. Plus it’s big enough I can carry files in it too.
Well I’ve wasted twenty minutes writing about not much so I’m going to stop and go to bed. I’m tired. Good night.