Love Guru Love Letters

I received many questions after posting my recipe for love. Clearly finding love can be a touchy problem, and one about which many would like to find some answers. I regret that because of the incredible number of inquiries I received, I simply cannot answer most of them personally. However I have compiled some of the more common issues here, and will post more tomorrow. Hopefully these will help those who have not quite yet navigated love’s rough waters.

Dear Love Guru,
I read your instructions on how to get a man and I’m thinking it’s gonna work. However I am confused about one thing and that’s hair. I have a perm. I have been trying to grow it out so the ends are kinda curly and the middle is straight. Do you think I should just cut it all off and start short? Thanks, Candy.

Dear Candy,
Great question. Let me just get straight to it. If No and Hell No went for a boat ride and No fell out, who would be left? Hell No. I cannot stress enough the importance of hair length when it comes to men. They simply do not understand short hair on a woman, that’s all there is to it. I’m sorry men can be so obtuse, but that’s just how it is. If a man sees you with short hair, he’s going to think you are another man, and we don’t want that, now do we? Yours is a simple solution and it’s called straightening. Go to the salon and have your hair straightened. Better yet, go to the store and buy your own kit and do it yourself. If you are a black lady, simply follow the instructions on the kit. If you are a white lady, go for a few minutes less, that way your hair won’t fall out. You’ll be on your way to love in no time! Fabulous name, by the way. With a name like Candy, you’ll have men wanting to eat right out of your hand!

Dear Love Guru,
I have a question that’s of a rather personal nature. Actually, it has to do with pubic hair. You did not mention pubic hair in your instructions, and I’m quite curious whether or not it should be trimmed. Some of my girlfriends say it should be shaved all the way off. Others say it should be left au naturel. Personally, I prefer a simple trim. What’s a girl to do? Sincerely, Harley

Dear Harley,
Another simply magnificent question! The answer to that question is easy, and you’re going to like it because you’re already there, Hon. Trim it. I know there are some men who like things completely naked down there, but there is just something wrong with that. Think about it. Little girls have no hair down there. Shaving all the hair off makes your privates look like those of a little girl. Do you really think it is a good idea for your man to be thinking of some little girl when he’s with you? I don’t think so! Not only that, unless you plan to get waxed (oh my God, ouch!), then you’re going to have to keep up working on getting that hair gone all the time. If you miss a day, can you imagine the itchiness? The thought brings tears to my eyes. And if you cut yourself…I just won’t even go there. So shave your bikini line and trim the rest. As for going au naturel, I do realize there are those hirsute ladies who are into that and we all hope they can find a man who is as well, but I say good luck, Sister. It just is not going to happen. Remember how I told you that men are not very bright when it comes to the ladies? Do you honestly think he’s going to know what is under all that hair if you leave it on there? Hair is meant to be long on the head and that is it. Go for the nice trim. And don’t forget to shave your armpits as well. You’ll be glad you did.

Dear Love Guru,
I have a real problem. I took your advice and found the man I thought was of my dreams. I wore the clothes you suggested, attractively styled my hair, wore perfect makeup, and let my panties hang out. It worked! I snagged my highschool sweetheart, John Fangboner, in just under a month. I was able to create a great private quarters for him in my basement. I built it all by myself and play Michael McDonald for him 24 hours a day. He’s there now in fact. Only here’s my problem. While I was at my job as a toenail fungus specialist at Lulu’s Nails in Brooklyn, I met the most wonderful man! He’s come in several times for Lulu’s special fungus treatment and I’m pretty sure he likes me. I mean, he does wear a wedding band, but I think it’s so women don’t hit on him all the time because he is really handsome. And his fungus isn’t that bad. I’m wondering how I should handle this situation considering John is in my basement as I write this! Please help. Confused in Love, Mary Lou Pantzaroff

My Dearest Confused,
Get up this second, go down to Walgreen’s, buy yourself some reading glasses, and put them on right now! You will be seeing clearly in about three minutes, my dear. This is quite a common problem, I’m afraid. You would not believe the sheer volume of letters I’ve gotten on just this issue. I particularly chose yours because it includes a second, more subtle issue I would also like to address. First of all, girls simply change their minds. That is all there is to it. It happens. In the same way that men are known to run around, bang things, and throw balls, us girls are known for being fickle creatures. Don’t sweat it. Here’s what you need to do. Take Johnny out for a drive and leave him on a country road. Don’t go too far from town. If you live in the city, and it sounds like you do, the suburbs will work just as well. Kiss him on his cheek, give him enough money for bus fare home, and leave. Why? Because the walk and ride back to his place will clear his head. He will be slightly confused after the warmth of his private quarters, the loving music, and your sexual prowess. Walking will remind him of sports and beer. He’ll start to focus on those things and head back to his place. By the time he arrives, he will have forgotten all about you. Normally this would be catastrophic, which is why we keep our men in their private quarters, but since you want out, this is the perfect solution.

Now you mentioned another issue I would also like to discuss, and that is the new man you are interested in. Can I just say now, Congratulations! Sounds to me like he’s as interested in you as you are in him. That ring? That’s his way of practicing his marriage to you! He’s getting ready and he does not want other girls to think he’s available. So go for it! You’ve already nabbed one man, you are obviously quite successful in the man-nabbing department. This one should not be terribly difficult to snag as well, especially since it seems he’s already interested. He wouldn’t be coming into your salon all the time if he wasn’t. And just think, he’s sharing an intimate bodily problem he’s dealing with, so he already trusts you. Girlfriend, you are so on your way to love, I’m getting all shivery and excited just thinking about it. Good luck and let me know how the wedding goes!

Everyone, this girl’s predicament is a common one. They see a man wearing a wedding band and think he’s taken. Remember that little phrase that says assuming makes an ass out of you and me? Well assuming a man is married simply because he’s wearing a wedding band is a load of horse pucky and definitely gets a lot of donkeys wandering around. Men know wedding bands keep women away, so when they decide you are the girl for them, they might just start wearing one so they can be sure to snag you! Unless your guy shows you his wedding certificate and the wife, he is likely fair game. Just be sure to wear your hair attractively styled, beautiful makeup, and ill-fitting clothes with a nice peek of your panties. He’ll be yours in no time. And don’t forget those private quarters! They are a key ingredient in the recipe of love.

For the original Love Guru post, go here.  For more Love Guru Love Letters, go here.

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9 thoughts on “Love Guru Love Letters

  1. Little girls have no hair under their arms or on their legs – yet I see no advocacy for hairy underarms or legs here, to the contrary. Hair is meant to be long on the head and that is it. Do as you like, just don’t be a hypocrite about it. Some ladies shave their pubic hair for their own reasons – one they don’t often share with their sisters – they just smile at their ignorance.

    It isn’t a matter of finding love, it’s a matter of being able to love – unconditionally.

  2. Pingback: » Love Guru Love Letters

  3. Robert Dear, I would suggest figuring out how to take that fat old tongue of yours and poking it into your cheek. Not your butt cheek, mind you, but the other ones. Might do you some good.

  4. I would suggest figuring out how to take that fat old tongue of yours and poking it

    Next thing you know the SPCA will be after me.

  5. I came here by Tag “Love”. Found out something about it – just this morning (if you understand some german)

    Das mit der Liebe ist nicht so schwer. Ich denke nicht, dass Du es selber “schaffen” kannst. Du kannst ja auch nicht selber dein Leben um nur einen Tag verlängern. Du kannst nicht einmal die Sonne anhalten oder einen Stern machen. Ich denke nicht, dass Du es alleine hinkriegen würdest, mit meiner Liebe zu lieben und das Gebot zu erfüllen, dass Euch allen vorgelegt wurde.
    Stell es Dir so vor: Ein kleines Rotkehlchen sitzt in der Morgendämmerung im Gebüsch. Es ist noch kühl und eigentlich dunkel. Es fliegt nicht weg, weil alles insgesamt nicht passend ist. Es hat schon Hunger und wäre auch gerne an einer nahen Pfütze zum Trinken. Aber es ist zu dunkel. Obwohl es eigentlich fliegen kann, will es freiwillig nicht weg von seiner Stelle.
    Aber jetzt wird die Dämmerung erhellt und das Licht nimmt zu. Ohne, dass es von irgendwas aufgeschreckt wurde, fliegt es plötzlich los – jetzt stimmt es, genug Licht ist da. Schwups – schon ist es in der Luft.
    Was ist das Element, dass Du merken musst, damit Du Dich von Deinem zu dunklen Gebüsch erheben kannst und los fliegst und liebst?
    Es reicht nicht, dass Du weißt, dass ich da bin.
    Ein Wunder zu erleben würde auch nicht reichen.
    Es gibt ein Licht für Dich, das muss auf Dich scheinen und in Dir leuchten.
    Dieses Licht ist “die Liebe Gottes”, in der ich den Sohn sende und in der sich der Sohn der Marter und dem Tod übergibt für Dich. Das vor Deinem inneren Auge zu sehen, das in Gedanken zu halten und diese Wahrheit dankend zu “essen” – das löst in Dir Liebe aus, Milde und Freundlichkeit. Schwups – plötzlich bist Du ein Liebender.
    Euer Wachstum besteht nicht darin, dass ihr euch bemüht, besser und aufrichtiger und umfassender zu lieben. Euer Wachstum besteht darin, in dem dankbaren Anschauen und Bedenken meiner Liebe zu bleiben.
    Da habt Ihr es weit besser als das Rotkehlchen, dem die Sonne täglich wieder untergeht und von Wolken tatsächlich verborgen werden kann: Das Licht meiner Liebe ist immer da und immer strahlend hell und hat immer Kraft. Du musst es nur anschauen. Schwups – löst es Liebe aus.

  6. umm…i hope the first chick doesnt take your advice…if she puts chemicals over her straight hair, she might as well just cut her hair off anyway. She needs nothing more than a flat iron for the curls…and she needs o stop listening to someone who knows diddly squat about hair,,,

  7. With the love is not so heavy. I do not think that you “create it” can. You cannot extend also your life around only one day. You cannot even stop the sun or make a star. I do not think that you would become it alone wars, for fulfilling with my love for dear and the requirement that you was submitted to all. It presents to you in such a way: A small robin sits in the dawn in the bushes. It is still cool and actually dark. It does not fly away, because everything is altogether not suitable. It has already hunger and would also gladly be at a close puddle for drinking. But it is too dark. Although it can actually fly, it wants voluntarily not away from its place. But becomes now the dawn illuminates and the light increases. Without that it was up-frightened by something, it flies it suddenly loosely – now tunes it, enough light is there. Schwups – already it is in air. What is the element the fact that you must notice, so that you can rise from yours to dark bushes and flies loosely and loves? It is not enough that you know that I am there. A miracle to experience would not be enough also. There is a light for you, which must seem on you and shine in you. This light is “the love of God”, in which I send the son and in that itself the son of the Marter and hands over to death for you. Before your internal eye to see to hold that in thoughts and this truth thanking “eat” – love releases, mildness and friendliness in you. Schwups – suddenly you are a loving. Your growth does not exist to love therein that you endeavor you, better and more sincerely and more comprehensively. Your growth consists of remaining in grateful looking at and considering of my love. There have their it far better than the robin, which the sun goes down daily again and can by clouds be actually hidden: Always there and always the light of my love is radiating bright and has always strength. You must only look at it. Schwups – it releases love.
    Uwe, I couldn’t agree w/you more.

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