Unpack in seconds, like unpacking is so hard. I saw an ad for a suitcase, where this was the tag line: Unpack in Seconds!

I would be so happy for the opportunity to go somewhere for which I would have a reason to pack that I might stay packed after I return just to bask in the feeling.

Also, this is a complete non sequitur, but I loathe cowardice. To me cowardice isn’t simply fear, but a weakness of character, and some need for self preservation. It’s pathetic.

Instant Gratification

Instant gratification. It can be so…well, gratifying. Sometimes I get a thought in my head and grab hold of it like a terrier hanging on to a rope. I want the thing, whatever it is, in that instance.

I am of two minds, though. The adult, thoughtful brain recognizes that instant gratification isn’t always all it is cracked up to be. It can be a curse. It can be bliss for a second then hell for ever after. Many food items are like this for me. I have learned. I don’t trifle with my digestive system and its proclivities.

Yet sometimes, for some things, the brain just wants. It mulls over every angle. It keeps the mind spinning with it. “Come on, human. You want this. You know you do. You want it now.”

I hate it when it’s like this, especially when it’s something I most decidedly cannot have right now, like a trip to New Zealand or a good solid ankle massage (they’ve been killing me for weeks now, it seems). In those moments I have to think of something else. Use all my powers of mental control to think about something else. Anything else. Like an ankle massage instead of New Zealand. Or New Zealand instead of an ankle massage.

Somehow I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to go.

Minivans and the MCIoltS

I have a theory about minivans. If true, we all need to be aware of this, and take public safety measures as a prophylactic against the possible harm caused by minivans.

Essentially, my theory is thus: There is a secret portal within a minivan that allows the minivan to attach itself to the driver’s brain and causes the minivan to take over. This is called the Minivan Central Intelligence (or lack thereof) System (a.k.a. MCIoltS). In taking over, the minivan is able to drive drastically slower than the speed limit, to drive 3 mph over any speed bump, to turn off all signaling devices, to brake unnecessarily in the middle of lanes during forward moving traffic, to stop at on ramps rather than merge, and to change lanes into any vehicle in the minivan’s blind spot, thereby causing the driver of the vehicle in the blind spot to swerve wildly, brake suddenly, or to speed up dangerously in order to avoid being smashed by the minivan. The MCIoltS within the minivan does not seem to be set up to cause the minivan to drive carefully, cautiously, and in a manner least likely to cause damage to itself. Rather, it seems hell bent on ensuring that the minivan and its passengers will come to swift harm.

It is for these reasons that it is imperative that we investigate further to determine how exactly the MCIoltS hijacks the brains of drivers, with the goal of either disabling the MCIoltS, or we may need to remove minivans from all roadways immediately. MCIoltS is a public safety hazard.

In the meantime, all drivers should be aware when encountering minivans that the driver may not, and indeed is likely not, in control of the minivan. The MCIoltS is driving the minivan and will be wreaking havoc on the roadways. Other drivers should proceed with caution to ensure their own safety and the safety of their passengers.

It is also possible that there is a fundamentalist version of the MCIoltS that causes the driver and passengers of minivans to sing hymns loudly and to leave religious tracts as tips in drive-through windows. This is less harmful, but may cause the minivan driver and passenger to give up their own autonomy even outside the minivan, which is certainly problematic. It might not be a safety issue, but it is arguably a form of slavery.

If in fact there is no MCIoltS, we need to figure out what is going on to cause drivers of minivans to lose their minds while driving.

Dear Movie Makers

Dear Movie Makers,

Guess what? We don’t need to see the inside of the pores of the people on screen to get what is going on. Getting so damn close doesn’t make things more meaningful, it makes viewers more dizzy. It isn’t powerful or more emotional to get all up in the business of the action.

Just back off already. You’re killing me.


Give me Some Space