I’m just stuck, energetically, physically, mentally. I think it’s pregnancy, but I’m not totally sure. There have been so many changes in the last six months that could be attributable to this logjam. However, I have experienced major changes before and not felt so inept and unable. It’s weird having been a person with a quick mind and quick body turning into someone who has difficulty thinking of words and can’t just leap out of bed or a chair. I feel like a beached whale, stuck here on shore, lying in the salt surf, seeing what was all around me, yet unable to do anything about it.
We recently took a trip back to Portland. While there, we ran around hither and thither, visiting and seeing family and friends. In the past such a visit would have been delightful to me. If there had been a free moment, I would have wanted to fill it. This time, I was exhausted a third of the way into the trip. A couple of times I just ran into a physical wall in the middle of the day. I had to say Enough is enough! and go lie on the bed and take a nap. Pregnancy was definitely the culprit there.
The first trimester of this pregnancy was a nightmare. I suffered severe perinatal depression without knowing such a thing existed. My boyfriend thought I was an alien, and wasn’t very supportive as a result. I still looked like my normal self, but I was not the same person. I overreacted to the smallest things. I would sob and sob and sob for hours. My brain completely fogged up. I finally realized I was experiencing something physical, so I decided to do some research. In the process I found Brooke Sheilds’s book on her experience with postpartum depression and discovered that a pregnant woman or one who has just given birth who has gone through an enormous amount of stress prior to the pregnancy is much more likely to suffer from depression. Considering the level of stress in the years leading up to being pregnant, coupled with the stress of moving across the country, moving in with my new boyfriend, getting pregnant, moving away from Milla for the first time ever in her life, and I was a perfect candidate for peri or post natal depression.
Based on this information, I did further research and discovered that the leading expert on peri and post natal depression was based in New York, not far from where we live. Her name is Dr. Margaret Spinelli. She was conducting a study to determine whether counseling a pregnant woman to improve her interpersonal relationships would improve her depression and reduce the likelihood of it occurring after pregnancy. I had a consultation with Dr. Spinelli and she admitted me into the study. Since going, my moods have improved dramatically. It also seemed to help just to know that I wasn’t actually going nuts but suffering from a physical response to being pregnant under stress, and to understand that the troubles in my relationship were making things worse.
I’m still waiting for my boyfriend to understand that my emotional reactions to most things are normal for a pregnant woman, and especially a woman with perinatal depression, but I feel better understanding that how I feel comes from a diagnosable source, one that will go away when my hormones settle down, and if they don’t, there is medication available to assist me. Considering the level of improvement I’ve experienced without drugs, I am genuinely hoping to avoid that route completely. I also make sure to keep my sugar intake to a minimum and exercise, because I definitely feel worse when I eat sugar or don’t exercise.
Even without perinatal depression, the physical demands of pregnancy aren’t much fun. I did not like being pregnant with Milla. This pregnancy is no exception. When I was pregnant with Milla I would hear about women who said they never felt better that when they were pregnant. My response to that was they must have felt pretty crappy the rest of their life! I like having a clear brain. I like having a lithe body. I can’t wait to have the little baby out here so I can get off this beach and back into the ocean.