The Elbow, Lying on the Couch: When I was young, I fell and was broken. It was a hard fall. Out of a tree. The ligaments surrounding my cartilage were torn. I hurt for months. I was swollen. I couldn’t breathe properly.
Physical Therapist: How do you feel about that?
Elbow: It hurts, you know? I mean, I still feel the ache of that painful day.
Physical Therapist: What do you think you can do to move past this? What is done is done.
Elbow: I just don’t know. Maybe I’m going to have to work on moving past that time, stretch a little.
Physical Therapist: I can prescribe something if you like.
Elbow: I’d like to try and work through this without medication, but if the pain becomes too intense, I may have to take you up on that offer.
Physical Therapist: I’m always here.
Elbow: I know. These sessions help me to maintain my sanity.
American Idol had some kids talking about the statistics on poverty. The thing is, they’re preaching to the choir. Those of us watching this can’t do anything global about the problem and those who can aren’t going to watch this and do anything about it.
On another note, I’ve decided I’m going to start my own corporation to operate in competition with Monsanto. I’m going to hire a bunch of scientists and get them to patent dogs and cats. Then when people try to breed them, I’m going to sue their asses off. Of course this will be after I’ve harassed them and terrified them, taking photos of them out walking the puppies and cuddling the kittens. How dare these people interfere with my right to own life? I’ll also go after anyone who buys the puppies or kittens unaltered. If they think they are going to let those animals breed without my getting paid for it, they have another thing coming.
I don’t think I know how to be loved, at least in the sense of a significant other relationship kind of love. I have gone through every relationship I’ve had as an adult and concluded that the only man who ever truly loved me was my husband, and it was if that relationship was doomed before it began, at least from the point where we got married. The poor man was completely emasculated by his mother, and the day we moved into his parents’ house was the day we kissed that relationship goodbye, even though it limped on for another four years.
Anyway, I thought about this and I have no idea what it feels like. I only know what not being loved feels like. I know what my partner loving someone else feels like. I know what my partner having no clue about love for anyone feels like. But I can barely remember what it feels like for someone to love me. I wonder if a person reaches a point where she wouldn’t recognize it if it fell in her lap. I am so used to unrequited love. I am so used to beginnings that never go anywhere. I have zero clue how to go beyond that.
How do you learn if you never get the opportunity to try? How do you keep believing you are lovable if no one ever loves you? The last time it happened for me was fourteen years ago. That is such a long time. Actually sitting here and contemplating this I just can’t believe the length of it. That is a significant chunk of time. God, all this advice. Don’t base your happiness on a man. Live your own life. Build yourself. It’s great to do that, but how do you learn the lessons a deep relationship teaches if you never get into that place where someone else really loves you?
I wonder if most people are truly unloved. I know there are a lot of people married out there, or in long term relationships. Does that mean they have been loved or are loved? How is it they get there? I’m absolutely, utterly and completely baffled by this.
It is a quarter to midnight. I started to go to sleep but woke up. That is the worst time to wake up, when you’re still in the beginning stages of sleep. I find it nearly impossible to go back to sleep in any reasonable fashion if I’m awakened within the early stages of sleep. I’m tired, but can’t sleep. I’m too tired really to read. There is nothing I want to watch on television. I hate television really. Maybe I’ll find some Youtube or something to watch. This sucks. I have to get up early too. Ah well. I’m used to insomnia, just not at the beginning of the night. I hope this means when I do finally fall asleep that I won’t wake up at 3, but I wouldn’t bet on it.