Nigh Eve

The biggest failings I have had in my life have been because I missed something. Most often it was that I missed something that the more suspicious among us saw immediately. I’m a little too Ferdinand the Bull in a lot of ways. I want to sit in a field under a tree and put flowers around my neck and smell the honey from the bee hive. I feel sorry for the bee I accidentally sat on and killed who stung me — I would sting, too if someone sat on me. I am often shocked and amazed at the meanness and pettiness of someone when they do me wrong and I should have seen it coming. I am not lacking in intelligence, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t often pick up when someone is being shitty when I should.

I’ve gotten better about paying attention. I don’t jump in wholeheartedly like I did when I was younger. I question motives. I’m so much more skeptical. It’s interesting, because I’ve always been extremely skeptical about power structures and will more often assume the worst of those in power imbalances.

Yet when it comes to those around me or organizations I have trusted, I can be remarkably simple minded. Oh, wait. You mean it’s actually true that the Oregon State Bar disproportionately sanctions smaller practices rather than lawyers in bigger firms? I thought that was just sour grapes. Of course, it’s people like me thinking such things that allows shenanigans to continue.

Years ago, many, many years ago, I was in love with a man who started spending a lot of time with a woman whom others claimed liked to take boyfriends from their girlfriends. She beguiled them, they said. She worked her female magic, wiggled her fingers, and voila! The man was smitten and the girlfriend was out the door. Pshaw! I said. I didn’t believe such things. I assumed that such stories were again…sour grapes. I was wrong. The man broke up with me. He took up with her. I moved to Germany to get away from the heartbreak (It was a good way to go to get over it). The point is though, that I just didn’t see it coming even when it was right in front of my face.

Like I said, I have gotten soo much better, but I still fail. I still trust in basic goodness more than I assume the worstness (WordPress doesn’t like my using this word and has underlined it in RED to let me know my failings as a speller in its estimation. WordPress lacks the ability to detect the subtleties of incongruence. Funny, it thinks incongruence is spelled wrong also, but it’s not. I just checked the internets to make sure (and internets is underlined in red, too. Good grief.). I have a stove mitt with a picture of a girl hugging a horse. It says, “I hate everyone, too!” WordPress would assume that means my horse and I both hate everyone. Or their programmers would. I can imagine that; it fits the profile of a programmer. Yes, I make assumptions, too. But I digress.)

I was very young when the woman convinced the man I was seeing that she was a better fit for him than I was. I think it’s part of growing up to go through something like that and figure the world out. But in spite of getting a lot older I still have many moments where I get a somewhat into a situation and find myself surprised that I didn’t realize someone or something was complete shit a lot sooner.

And so I exist here. Trying to be aware of chicanery without always presuming it is afoot. Trying not to be bitter and suspicious, but realize that not everyone has my best interests at heart, or that they are even aware of what they are doing a lot of the time. Trying to understand that being Nigh Eve isn’t necessarily being aligned with the dark and the stars…