I have a crush on my acupuncture doctor. From the moment I met him, I felt an instant liking of the man. He placed his hands on the small of my back and urged me to relax the muscles there. I breathed out and ahhh, I felt them give way, I felt the warmth of his hands.

He isn’t the sort of man I’m usually attracted to, physically anyway. He is barely taller than I am, and I like men taller than me. I even had impure thoughts, wondering if his, um…parts were smaller too. This is a terrible thing to think, I know, but the thought was there.

I dreamed about him. Actually I have dreamed about him a couple of times. Not impure thoughts dreams, but vivid nonetheless. In one, he was not an acupuncture doctor, but was working doing something else. Now I don’t remember what. We were just there together in the dream. In another, he was standing and talking to me, wearing his white lab coat, his name embroidered over his heart. These dreams are always in color.

Last night I dreamed that first, Jeff Goldblum, the actor, was interested in me. He reminded me that we had gone to see the movie The Fly together. I was attracted to him in the dream. In real life, I am not attracted to him. I also did not like the movie The Fly. Later, Josh Duhamel was interested in me. Well, it wasn’t actually Josh Duhamel in the dream, but the body was Josh Duhamel’s. I was extremely attracted to him, but we could not get away from other people. There were a group of women who were interested in him. One was practically climbing up his front. He stood there, ignoring her, and just looking at me, his brown eyes focused completely on me. I would glance away, embarrassed, but when I looked back, he was still looking at me. I woke up during this part.

I could start my own lonely-hearts club. It’s pitiful. My ex has had 3 girlfriends since we split up 3 years ago. I have had no boyfriends. I have had about 7 dates. Well, I’ve dated 6 men once each, and went on 3 dates with another man. Obviously, none went anywhere. Admittedly, I’m picky. I refuse to make the same mistakes I have made before, and rushing in has been one of those mistakes. But I’m not even meeting anyone to rush in with. I fear I will end up dying and my ex will be the last person I slept with, which I find pathetic. I do not want him to have been the last person I slept with. That said, I do not want to go sleep with someone just for the hell of it. I am not capable of casual sex. I get attached, even when I don’t want too.

I like the doctor. He’s got good energy. He has kind and warm hands. I guess for now I will just have to resort to dreaming.