Day: September 27, 2008
The problem with wanting to be open about who you are and put your name on what you write is that if there are things you want to say that you don’t want certain other people to know about, you can’t write them on your blog, even if they are things you would really love to put on your blog. There are so many things like that right now. Maybe I should make an anonymous blog. But who really cares.
I’ve said it before, but I wish I could disappear. I wish I could be someone else. I wish I could feel optimistic most of the time like I used to, but that’s been years ago. One thing after another after another after another. Now it’s not so bad but my spirit has taken a major nosedive. I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back. I know I’m supposed to learn to be happy right now no matter what my life is, but I can’t do it. It’s like there is one thing in my life that when it’s going well, I’m happy and when it’s not, I’m not. Nothing else affects me in this way. Nothing. But I can’t stop being this way. I’ve spent a decade trying and it does not work. I have to just pretend there isn’t a future because to imagine the rest of my lifetime feeling like this is unbearable. So I don’t imagine anything at all except a desire to disappear. I don’t mean die. No. I mean exist as barely as possible. I can hear it now. I can just hear it. I’ve heard it before, all the reasons against living this way. But no one is me. No one has my brain and its energy and its unfulfilled desire. I am sure others have felt this. No doubt. None. And some went on and became happy again. And others didn’t. But I’m so tired of not having the one thing I want, the one and only thing I have consistently wanted for as long as I can remember, and I can’t imagine 40 or 50 or 60 or 70 more years like this. I can’t even imagine the next 1. Is this living in the moment, avoiding considering a future that might reflect the way things have been? Is this just it? So rather than live with that hope I will live barely. I will periodically disappear.