I have not been writing as much here as I usually do because I have been working on a book idea that I have. It’s an academic book so I’ve been doing some research in an attempt to solidify a thesis argument. I have also been researching grad school programs to determine whether it might be worth my while to turn this idea into a dissertation (it’s that sort of book). It might be useful to turn it into a dissertation because I could get a degree that would allow me to teach if I wanted to.
As an undergrad I wanted to become a university professor. I entered the honors program at my university because it was designed to determine whether one would be interested in that track. After spending a year on my subject and writing the thesis, I decided I was not interested enough in any one subject to become an expert on it. Since then, I have often wondered how different my life would be if I had made that choice instead of law school. I have considered attending law school one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I decided to attend law school because I thought it would be a way to make money while writing. I realize that for me, making money should never have been part of the equation. It’s one of those life lessons that are often talked about, but have little meaning until you experience them yourself. Actually, thinking about it now, if I had chosen grad school then, it would not have been the right choice because I was not fired up enough about any one subject to become an expert on it. Oh, I probably would have liked my job better than I liked being a lawyer, but it still would not have been just right for me.
Since I have had this idea for a book/dissertation, it is nearly all I can think about. I believe that if I had been this fired up about a subject when I was considering graduate school as an undergrad, there would have been no question I would have gone that route. I would have wanted to pursue something that arduously if I was passionate about it. This latest is a subject I have been thinking about, talking about, and even blogging about for about 8 months now. The friends of mine I’ve told about it kind of go hmmm, like Lara is nuts. I just can’t get it out of my head. Lately, I see and hear more and more around me that make me want to write about it even more. The idea is solidifying, taking form.
This is how it was for me when I had the ideas for the papers I wrote in law school that eventually became law review articles. One of them started niggling my brain in a constitutional law class. The professor had made a passing remark about something and I started turning it over and turning it over, wondering and thinking. I finally went and spoke to one of the con law experts at our school, an absolutely brilliant constitutional law professor. After discussing the thought with him, I still kept thinking about it. I went back and asked him if he would advise me if I wrote a paper about it. I had already written my A and B papers. I did not have to write about this, I just wanted to. He agreed to act as my advisor and I wrote the paper and published it. I was similarly fired up about the subject of my A paper, and I got it published too. I feel just as excited about this latest idea. Maybe I can turn it into something. If not, I can at least write about it and try to convince a couple of people that my argument has merit. Rather than sitting around on the computer lamenting myself, I have been working on this book, giving it shape. It is preoccupying. I need to find a temp job, or some job, but I keep thinking about this and wanting to work on it instead. Ah, the muse…
Some who read me may have noticed a rather large number of my posts disappeared. Well, they are not gone, they are simply marked private. This means they don’t show. Why did I do this? Ah, hell. I don’t know. I was having one of those days when I wanted who I have been, at least parts of me, to go away. So I hid everything I had written. I periodically go back and unhide certain posts when the whim strikes, but like I said, having a project to focus on has been quite useful for my overactive brain, leaving me little time to worry about myself, or to repost my writings, as the case may be. It’s a good thing. I don’t imagine people are going back and reading old posts anyway. My saying this is not me being a martyr; it is me being realistic. If I thought anyone really wanted a post, I would put it back out there. I just doubt it’s that important. I am not some famous author, after all.
Aaaaanyway. Didn’t my professors tell me never to begin sentences with aaaaanyway? Maybe not. Anyway, if I don’t post, it is not because I have jumped off of a bridge or drowned in the ocean. Rather I am likely holed up in the library here where I cannot check out books. Or I’m online researching grad school programs. Rest assured, if I decide to kill myself, I will write about it first.