Well, by accident I just discovered full screen mode for typing this blog. Wow. Seriously. Here I am all somber wanting to write and try to expel some angst and I accidentally hit a button and get this. This is cool. It is a nice little distraction.
What is the source of my angst? I am moving to Hawaii. I do not want to leave the man I love. The thing is that if I take him away from the Portland picture, I do not want to be here. He is the only thing I want to stay for. I do not want to leave him. If I thought for a half a second he would want me to go with him wherever he goes, I would do it. But I just don’t think he feels as strongly as I do. I could be wrong. I haven’t asked. It’s one of those things where I don’t know if I want the answer. I will probably say something. But in the meantime, I’m going to Hawaii, at least for now.
Why Hawaii? There are two places on earth I would like to live. One is Australia. One is Europe. I mainly chose Australia because it is an English speaking country. Plus it is far away from wars and whatnot. I’m afraid of wars and whatnot when it comes to my little girl. I want her to be safe. Perhaps I am naive in thinking that because Australia is farther from the wars we will be safer, but this was part of my thinking. We also seriously considered Spain, and actually, I would still consider Spain. I speak enough Spanish I could pick it up, and Milla speaks it as well. But it is so close to the middle east. So for now, I chose Australia. In the meantime, on the way to Australia, I did not want to live in Portland anymore. I have to leave here. For an on the way to Australia place, I chose Hawaii because I have lived there before so it is a known entity. I also know people there. And Milla was accepted to school and got financial aid there. Plus it is sunny all the time and I get seasonal affective disorder in this gray and damp place. So why not, right?
Why not. I did not expect to fall in love and I did not expect to fall in love like this. This feeling is indescribable. It feels like all the silly love songs from fifty years ago were written for me. But it also feels like all the songs written about heartbreak are for me too. It’s such a weird place to be in. I know I have to leave, but I cannot bear the thought of leaving him. This will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Unequivocally. I do not know how I am going to manage. Well, that isn’t true. I will manage because I always do by putting one foot in front of the other. But I wonder if I’m making a monumental mistake, going there instead of I don’t know what. Maybe he would not be the way he has been with me if I were staying here. He has been wonderful. He has been exactly what I want in a relationship. Even the hard parts. I have learned more about relationships from him than from all the others put together. I have learned more about myself. And then there is the fact he is just plain brilliant and so much a match for me. I am completely blathered. Love. Damn biology. His immune system must jive with mine. His genetic footprint must be what mine needs to propagate. Silliness. Plain silliness. I alternate between love songs and melancholy. I cry. All the time. I am on cloud nine. All the time. What a disaster. I take the steps I need to take to make this move, but I take them reluctantly and after procrastination. I am getting done what I need to get done. Yet I’m going through it in a daze. Is this how it’s supposed to be?
So I write and hope it will help me through. I have been writing, even though the dates on the posts don’t say so. There have been things I cannot share because they do not affect only me. There have been things that have happened he might not want others to know about. I don’t know if anyone he knows reads this, but I do not want to take a chance, so even though I must write about these things, I keep them private. I hope writing will get me through. I hope when I land on that island in the middle of the world’s biggest ocean and my heart is crushed with longing I can write and it will be okay. It’s something anyway.