How is it that I’ve arrived at 10:11 a.m. and have accomplished virtually nothing of substance? I updated my about page. I took my child to school. I went to the post office. All of that was done by 8:45 a.m. Now I’ve spent a good deal of time at the computer and am in the same place as I was an hour and a half ago. Oh, and I took a half an hour nap. There was that. But the other hour I pissed away looking at other Blog Presentations and surfing myspace. What a productive use of my time. I need to work on a letter for work. I need to finish my taxes. I don’t have any desire to do either. Procrastination is in serious overdrive here. I guess I’ll just have to jump in and do them. Yuck. I’d rather go ride the horse.
In the last couple of weeks I have become quite the irresponsible party. Having always been the super responsible party, my becoming irresponsible feels quite unnatural. Actually, I think it was only the week Milla was gone to see her dad that I have been like this. I did a lot of work on the house, but I also went out, drank some rum and pineapple juice one night, stayed up very late several nights, including one until dawn, slept away a couple of days, and generally didn’t do much productive anything. It was seriously pathetic. Now I’m back into the schedule and that feels more normal, but my head isn’t in it. Add to this angst over heartache and worry over finances and I seem a bit bent on a minor depression. And of course there was the incident with the old workplace that still has me in a bit of a funk.
While lying in my bed during the aforementioned nap, I stared out at the sky. The sun wanted to peek through the clouds and there was a squirrel in the front yard whose antics are hilarious. Lying there, I thought I could lie there all day and do not a lot. I thought through the things I needed to do and still did not get up. It took the phone ringing to rouse me from my half asleep, hypnotic stupor. As I stumbled through the living room to the kitchen where my phone is plugged in I actually had the thought that I was surprised someone was calling. I’m not much on the radar these days, and I realize this is somewhat self-inflicted. How is it that I got here? What is it that I’m doing? It’s like my desperation to leave Portland is obliterating all other thought. Living in the moment is a struggle because I don’t like the moment, but my thoughts of future moments as long as they are in Portland aren’t much better. I hope some of this funk is hormones. It isn’t really time for PMS, but it would be nice to blame this on that. Maybe I’m not such a strong person since one, two, three tough things in a ten day period put me in this state. But I don’t care. I’m tired of taking strength in being strong. I’d rather just be. Only that’s not good for my brain or my daughter. So I’ll plow on and turn the music up very loudly to drown out my thoughts.
On another note, I thought I would take a moment and clarify a few things. There: Not here. They’re: They are. Their: A possessive pronoun. It’s: It is.