My brain is normally overflowing with words. I can hardly exist sometimes with all the words leaking out my ears and nostrils. But for the last few days, my brain has been remarkably quiet. I’ve thought of a few things, but nothing like usual.
Okay, non sequitur here. But I’m sitting and typing this and my little dog, Piper, is lying down next to me with his funny little back legs stuck out straight behind him and he’s licking his front paws. Oh! Now the greyhound started snorting (she does that periodically, kind of gags and snorts like she has something caught in her throat) so Piper just jumped up to warn her with a couple of throaty little barks that he’s here so that snorting better not come any closer. Oh she’s warned all right. She’s lying across the middle of the floor taking up that half of the room. I’m sure she plans to trip anyone who wants to come after me. Dogs. They are so present.
So anyway. Last night I was pondering the fact that my brain has not been very active recently and I had a few interesting thoughts I wanted to write down, but I was too tired. The brain wanted to sleep. Sitting here, I almost wonder if it’s the insomnia that’s shut down my brain. I have not been sleeping well. It’s been over a week. I know why. I have no job. I’m not making much on the contract work I’m getting. I’m not sure how I’m going to pay the mortgage next month. I got a shutoff notice from the city for water. So I lie there in the middle of the night when I wake up and force myself into the moment, try not to worry about the future, try not to plan how to bring in cash. I keep focusing on the pillow or the comforter or my dogs snoring or Milla’s arm across my head. Bonk. That brought me back to the present all right!
It’s funny how difficult living in the moment can be. But I find that my days are much more stress free than they used to be, even if I’m not the best living in the moment person. Compared to how I used to be, I really shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Now I have to figure out how to stay in the moment at 3 in the morning when my brain wants to consider all the possibilities having no money brings.
So sitting here contemplating this now I am certain that the empty brain is just trying to sleep. It does not function well without rest. It loses its verve. I yawn a lot. I know this place. Stress has always manifested as insomnia for me. Insomnia makes it hard to be awake, in every sense of the word. It is kind of nice for stream of consciousness, useless blogging though.
I’m selling my house. I am moving somewhere warmer. Or at least sunnier. Milla’s dad wants us to move to Boulder where he lives. He says it is sunny there 300 days a year. I have a friend here who is from Denver. She says it is sunnier there too, even though it’s cold. I’m curious whether the sun alone will cure me. I long for heat as well. In the heat I can wear wispy dresses and flip flops. In the heat I can pull on a t-shirt and cutoffs and I’m ready for the day. In the cold I have to go searching for layers that won’t be terribly uncomfortable but will keep me warm. And the choices! It’s overwhelming. So today, I can wear a maroon turtleneck, or hmmm….a black turtleneck? How about grey? And let’s see, should I wear the Levi’s for when I’m bloated or am I sufficiently watered that I’m not retaining anything and can wear the skinny ones? Gee. I’m not sure. I could wear khakis, but that would require ironing and I really don’t feel like ironing. So Levi’s it is. There are those who tell me it’s because I’m so skinny that I’m cold all the time. I don’t have enough padding. So I should just gain a bunch of weight then I won’t be cold? Not sure that would work. I’m not the sort who gains weight easily. And too much sugar makes me insane. So I could try eating a lot more than I do, add sugar, and I’ll be chubby and meaner than hell, but I’ll be warm. You know? I think I’ll move instead.
Well off I go to try and earn some money so perhaps I can sleep. That would be nice. At the moment, I would really like a nap.