wordpress

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No. Thank. You.

I know. WordPress probably doesn’t want me to complain about it. But the idiots running it must have migrated from other sites I avoid like the plague. Back when I signed up with it in 2007, the internet and blogging were different animals. I made several across the country friends who were also bloggers. We read one anothers’ blogs. We commented and communicated and discussed. Then Facebook hit and the world was never the same again. First of all, commenting went by the wayside and thumbs up and like became the norm. God, I hate thumbs up and like. Someone writes a blog post about their dog dying. I’m supposed to thumbs up that? Or like it? I don’t fucking think so. But those were the options. Now we get emoticons with little cartoons smiling or crying to represent what could have been actual words, but you know, words are hawrd.

Then of course the greedy capitalists out there pushed “Make money with your blog!” and that was truly the end of life as we knew it. Now the ONLY comments I get are some asshat trying to help me “Make money with your blog!” Gone are the days of interesting blogs about people’s lives. Now it’s all commodification and influencing and puke.

Another big change is this move to make wordpress like Word or Google Docs, both of which are absolutely useless garbage word processors. WordPress wants me to write according to their instructions. In fact, as I type this there is an instruction telling me to “start writing or type / to choose a block.” Go to hell WordPress. Stop telling me how to think. I can actually, believe it or not, think for myself. The other system they used to use for drafting might not have led me through by the nose, but is sure as hell let me think for myself. If I want to think for myself on this crap, good luck. It’s not intuitive. WordPress wants me to do things their way. Good ol’ monoculture, boring ass crap. No. Thank. You.

I finally managed to export all my content off here. This will be the last year my writing is hosted on WordPress. Obviously they hired some 20 year old straight out of Satanford, er, Stanford to run their design team and they have no imagination at all having spent their entire life glued to a screen and regurgitating what everyone else is doing so now WordPress does too. Actually, the whole team (sitting in their open floor plan and meeting in a glass wall conference room and now sitting in their living room staring out the window at the side of the building next door while they commune via Zoom) put together this bullshit that is the modern WordPress.

No. Thank. You.

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Spammers

The spammers on WordPress who really, really want us to post their comments and crap are getting more clever. I wonder what third world country the drafters of these gems call home.  Some of them go to great lengths to get me to believe they are a real person with a real comment and not just someone trying to infiltrate the system.  The problem is that their comments have absolutely NOTHING to do with anything I wrote, and their grammar, spelling, and style are atrocious.

For instance, in response to a Pure Med Spa post, one spammer wrote:

I go there every summer. Been there 6-7 times. Speaking of the rorest and comfort, it’s excellent (and I’ve been to many other 5-star hotels so I can compare). Since you can find almost everything on the website, I’m going to tell you what the website does not: the rooms are very comfortable, very clean and nice, you will find many restaurants for your taste, many bars to keep you hydrated and happy all through the day, all kinds of water sports, archery lessons, water games, water gym, a fitness center and a friendly and caring staff. The food is great in the main restaurant you can find anything, from Turkish traditional food to sushi, and there are other restaurants as well (Turkish, Italian, sea food and barbeque restaurants). As for the beach and the sea, you can find beaches with clearer, bluer sea elsewhere in Antalya, such as in Kemer. The sea is a little bit wavy and therefore not very clear, you can come across seaweed floating on the water. But it’s great on the beach, you will find watermelon and corn service, iced towels that will relieve you from the hot weather. The nights could be a little bit boring, there is a show after dinner and there’s a disco, foam parties on certain nights, but for the ones who are looking for a crazier nightlife, the hotel staff is taking you to Lara to great clubs and parties.The pool area is very nice, around th olympic it’s quiet and peaceful, there’s a huge bar few steps away. There are enough sunbeds for everyone, and you get towels which you can change for clean ones as many times as you want during the day. Note that the rorest is a really big one and it is a 10-minute-walk from the beach to your room.I would recommend that you try to book a room on the upper floors and with a sea-view.The farther the room is from the elevators, the better the sight is (well you’ll have to make a few steps more but if you enjoy visual beauty, it’s really nice from the balcony at night especially if the moon is out!!) But there are also honeymoon villas, a VIP place, which make your vacation turn into an even more luxurious dream! You can order everything to your room, and your balcony opens up to the swimming pool, you won’t even have to step out of your villa but staying there is more expensive.I think you’ll really like it there. Here’s link to the website in English: If you have other questions, feel free to ask.Addition:Sorry, I have no idea about where to find the cheapest price. The prices are totally different for strangers.

That’s quite the comment!  It bears no relation to anything in the post. I think some computer algorithm pulled the word “spa” from the title and then they inserted this little travelogue, hoping I’d believe it was real. Problem is, the Pure Med Spa posts are NOT about traveling to a spa. Not even close. They are about what ripoff artists the owners are.  If this commenter goes there often, they are probably missing a few thousand dollars and have been burned by lasers.

The other common type of pretend comment are the blow smoke up my ass comments, those who want me to believe and be therefore excited by the fact they are telling me how wonderful I am as a writer.  Oh, you’re so great! Your post is the best ever! Then they offer some small suggestion. This is all written with wretched grammar and even worse spelling.  SPAM.  Here is one of these:

Well, the actual post is in fact the best on this worthwhile topic. I agree with your results and will thirstily look forward to the incoming changes. Just stating thanks won’t just be satisfactory, for the wonderful clarity inside your writing. Let me at once seize your rss to stay knowledgeable of any revisions. Good work and a lot success inside your business endeavors!

Thirstily? That’s pretty intense yearning for what I write. The funny thing about this comment is that it was in response to a post about my winning lottery national via an email message. Kind of apropos, in a perverse way.

Then this, in response to my article on long term nursing.  Obviously, an algorithm or whatever pulled from the word breastfeeding, but no human read anything I wrote. It says:

try the feed play sleep routine, i.e. brefoe bedtime give your baby his usual vegies and milk then let him play for about an hour or so and then let him sleep. if he wakes go into his room without turning on the light do not look at him but reassure him that you are there until he calms down and let him settle him self he may a cry a while but this is normal.it will get easier if you stick to it I did with my children and they still wake every now and then but they know I am there if they need me they are now 4, 7 years and 10 months.

First of all, I think this opinion on childrearing is a bunch of shit and that letting children cry it out teaches them not to trust. But that’s not the point. Note the lack of capitals at the beginning of sentences? Note the run-on sentences? “Brefoe” and “Vegies.” It’s not a real commentator. It also bears no real relationship to what was basically a post-feminist argument, and not a parenting article. Spam.

Good luck spammers, trying to figure out a way through. I have to give WordPress credit. They caught all but one of these and dumped them in my spam folder. I saw them because I check spam for real comments.

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Who Wants Me?

WordPress is great.  It gives me lots of information about my blog.  I get statistics on how many people read it, an analysis of top posts and searches, all sorts of things.  One thing it shows is what searches someone used to find my blog.  There have been some VERRRRY interesting searches that somehow found me.  Stuff like “spank nun big broomstick.”  Huh?  I’m just the messenger…don’t ask me.

Anyway, nearly daily there are searches that locate my blog by looking for my name, often several a day.  What I want to know is, who is looking for me?  It’s weird, knowing people are searching your name.  I mean, I’m not naive.  I know people google search each other all the time.  I do it.  It’s fun.  But this happens for me nearly every day.  This means someone out there is searching for my name quite a lot.  I know of 2 other Lara Gardners in the USA.  One is an attorney in Florida.  The other is some sort of scientist who wrote some articles.  So it is possible they are the objects of these searches.  Yet some of them are probably for me and it’s kind of weird.  Who is looking for me?  I wish I knew that.

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More Mindless Rambling

Wow.  So I check out of reality for a few days and when I check back in the hottest story out there is a transgendered man having a baby and Obama’s bowling ability.  I think maybe it’s time to check back out again.  I normally avoid the news but there are some headlines that are unavoidable.  Plus I listen to NPR and get bits and pieces there, although I extended my news fast to All Things Considered several years ago and have not felt the worse for wear as a result.  Gotta protect that old sanity, ya know?

So I pulled into WordPress this morning to discover many changes. I’m sure there are lots of us out here commenting on it, what we like, what we don’t.  I think once I get used to it, I will like it.  I’m already liking the place to type better than previously.  And I’ve noticed that there is a spell-checker.  Yes, I think I’m going to like it.  I’m not so keen yet on the dashboard, but I think with time and familiarity, it will all be good.

Okay, so right now Piper is spinning around and having a coniption fit because I’m typing and not paying one hundred percent attention to him, and Molly is standing over him, hovering like a bee over a flower.  I’m not sure of the influence she is attempting to exert, but Piper is oblivious.  Oh, and now she just got a good sniff of his butt.  Yum.  How was that for you, Molly?  Dogs.  They are unabashedly willing to partake of their senses, even if it involves a good solid butt sniffing.

I realized today that I am in some regards paralyzed by the sheer number of things I need to do.  Many of them are small things.  I just need to chip away at those things.  Others are huge, like packing, for instance.  I just need to dive in and begin.  It’s funny, just last week I was discussing hoarding with my counselor.  You know, why people hoard, how it gets started, all that.  I know a few hoarders and their lives are completely stuck.  One of the reasons we discussed is how something happens and the person lets things go, then things get out of hand, then they are paralyzed by the mess and magnitude.  Then I discovered this morning that my paralysis is similar; I have not been doing anything because there is so much to do.

Earlier this week, I had dinner at the new house of some very good friends.  They were lamenting all the work they need to do to make the house a home.  I advised them to take it one space at a time.  Break it down into smaller pieces.  I’m taking my own advice.  I’m going to make a list, then I’m going to sort the list into manageable pieces, then attack each piece.  Some of the stuff I need to do could all be done in one day if I just did it.  Like filing a tax extension.  The taxes are done, I just don’t have the money to pay them yet.  So I’m going to file this extension.  I doubt it will take long, but I haven’t done it.  And this CLE reporting thing lawyers have to do.  It’s a pain.  I started it, then stopped for some reason (probably to go do something really important like bang drums or play the bass) and never picked it up again.  Now it’s sitting here on my desk.  Both these things, tax extensions and CLE reports, have a deadline.  It’s a good thing or I could see them sitting there even longer.

What is this, this procrastination?  I’ve not been much of a procastinator before.  Yet here I am.  And this week when Milla has been gone, it has been oh so easy to play.  South Park video?  Much more appealing than tax extensions.  I have a friend who texts me, Want to go watch a late movie? Yes.  Not Uh sure, or okay, but YES.  Emphatically, yes.  Oh, and go here and watch this video.  It’s called Mathmaticious and parodies Fergilicious.  It’s better than Fergie’s.  More entertaining.  His sexy dancing in front of the window kills me.  Very clever.  Pretty soon he’ll be passed all around and end up in a South Park episode getting killed by Chocolate Rain guy.  Good times.

See what I mean?  It’s so easy.  Just start typing your blog or doing something else.  After a bit, feel like a break.  Casually open a new tab.  Type in YouTube.  Then surf a little.  Find something that looks interesting, like Mathmaticious.  Watch it.  Laugh.  Then watch what it’s parodying, or click on something else on the side where all the videos are in a row.  Discover a lot of time has passed.  Shake your head in dismay at your ability to waste a lot of time.  There is facility in time-wasting like no other, especially when computers are involved.  Millions of others conspire to help you.  Yikes.

I have wasted enough time this morning, er, afternoon.  I must do something productive, if only for a moment.  So I’m going to get up and go brush my teeth.  That’s a step in the right direction.  My drum store neighbor is bringing over the drum set this afternoon.  I’m thrilled.  I CANNOT wait.  I keep looking out the window, waiting for him to pull up.  Come on little drummies, come into my house.  I want you.  Banging drums has to be better than watching YouTube, right?  I’m having one of those moments I’ve written about before where I can’t come up with a coherent ending to my post, so it continues to ramble on and on about nothing at all.  Come here little drummies?  Seriously?  Did I say that?  Okay, I’m really going now.  I have to go to the bathroom.  Oh there’s a story there that I can’t tell on the internet, but it’s so awful and funny, maybe I’ll put it on my secret blog, my anonymous blog.  It needs to be written about because it’s that hilarious.

I’ve decided since typing this that I REALLY like the new WordPress. It’s much more user friendly.  It saves my posts for me, eliminating the likelihood of blog loss because of my fucked up computer.  It’s great.  I love it.  I’m going to have to figure out tags and all that, but it will all be good.  I’ll get it done.