I remembered that I didn’t sleep last night, that I woke at 4 in the morning and that the brain turned on, even though I ran through every means I know to try and shut it off, short of taking drugs, which are not useful when taken at that hour because they leave me feeling hung over the following day and I could not afford to feel hung over.
I remembered that I lay there thinking about finishing my taxes, and whether I’m getting enough exercise, and money, and my children, and global warming, and the novel I am not writing enough of, and you, even though you don’t deserve my thinking. I also remembered that I thought “You don’t deserve my thinking” and took pains to steer my thoughts elsewhere, even if the alternatives were not very appealing either.
I remembered when I felt tired at 8 and couldn’t understand why because 8 is not that late that, oh yeah, I didn’t sleep last night, and that also, oh yeah, I didn’t go back to sleep, which I usually do, and that, oh yeah again, I had to get up at 7 a.m., but that when the alarm went off, I reset it for 7:20, but still didn’t fall asleep, so I reset it for 7:50, but finally gave up and got up at 7:30 because lying there and not sleeping was foolish and that if I did fall asleep I would feel misery at having to awaken. Yes, this is a too-long sentence, but forgive me because I’m tired.
I got a headline in my email inbox that said It Will Never be 2008 Again. Well, it will never be this moment again, or this one, or this one. We have all these silly human traditions to mark the passage of time, yet time passes every moment. Each one is a new beginning and an ending. That moment is the future, now it is now, now it is over.
And on and on. Every year I mull over this curious holiday celebrating what is essentially the same moment as previous, but we label it as new, give a party, scream and shout, and have another method of categorizing our time. It does its job, to some extent anyway.
My words are being read. Not by many, but some. So how truthful will I be in what I say?
This life is surreal. My new favorite word lately, surreal, because that is how life feels lately. It is so unfamiliar. This isn’t a bad thing, I just have no idea how to navigate this alien landscape that is my life. I suppose I have the tools to figure it out and get wherever I’m supposed to go in this life, in fact I know I do. But it still scares the crap out of me. And right at the moment I wonder how much of my anxiety is the result of staying awake too long, how much is the result of doing things I’m not sure of, how much is just normal considering the newness of all of my life. Maybe my friend Mark is right; maybe I took on too many new things at once. But I like change. I wanted change. I guess I got it and now I have to figure out what to do with it.
Word press. Pressing words. Pressing in the sense of print media. But for me it is more like words pressing the inside of my brain begging to escape, words that don’t have any meaning for anyone except me. What is that? What is that need to tap into that energy line and disappear into the void for a while and let the words out?
I guess the words are in jail if I don’t express them. They are prisoners held captive by no will of their own, so if I don’t let some of them free, there will be a coup and I will be in trouble. Actually, trouble has been brewing for years because I have not let them out when they needed to escape, just to breathe for a while. And I paid for it. Big time.