Minivans and the MCIoltS

I have a theory about minivans. If true, we all need to be aware of this, and take public safety measures as a prophylactic against the possible harm caused by minivans.

Essentially, my theory is thus: There is a secret portal within a minivan that allows the minivan to attach itself to the driver’s brain and causes the minivan to take over. This is called the Minivan Central Intelligence (or lack thereof) System (a.k.a. MCIoltS). In taking over, the minivan is able to drive drastically slower than the speed limit, to drive 3 mph over any speed bump, to turn off all signaling devices, to brake unnecessarily in the middle of lanes during forward moving traffic, to stop at on ramps rather than merge, and to change lanes into any vehicle in the minivan’s blind spot, thereby causing the driver of the vehicle in the blind spot to swerve wildly, brake suddenly, or to speed up dangerously in order to avoid being smashed by the minivan. The MCIoltS within the minivan does not seem to be set up to cause the minivan to drive carefully, cautiously, and in a manner least likely to cause damage to itself. Rather, it seems hell bent on ensuring that the minivan and its passengers will come to swift harm.

It is for these reasons that it is imperative that we investigate further to determine how exactly the MCIoltS hijacks the brains of drivers, with the goal of either disabling the MCIoltS, or we may need to remove minivans from all roadways immediately. MCIoltS is a public safety hazard.

In the meantime, all drivers should be aware when encountering minivans that the driver may not, and indeed is likely not, in control of the minivan. The MCIoltS is driving the minivan and will be wreaking havoc on the roadways. Other drivers should proceed with caution to ensure their own safety and the safety of their passengers.

It is also possible that there is a fundamentalist version of the MCIoltS that causes the driver and passengers of minivans to sing hymns loudly and to leave religious tracts as tips in drive-through windows. This is less harmful, but may cause the minivan driver and passenger to give up their own autonomy even outside the minivan, which is certainly problematic. It might not be a safety issue, but it is arguably a form of slavery.

If in fact there is no MCIoltS, we need to figure out what is going on to cause drivers of minivans to lose their minds while driving.

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