I think buried in my disappointment that my days are not more than they are is the expectation that they should be. Somehow I’ve been convinced that the every day should be less everyday and more unique, and when every day is everyday, I feel disappointment. Here I lie in my bed after watching a well-written movie (a rarity these days), and feel less than for having lain here watching rather than having lain here writing. Yet I have not yet overcome the belief that took hold this summer that I am not a writer, although I recognize in saying that I have not yet overcome that this feeling can be subjugated, and honestly I’m not sure that it can. I remain ambivalent. I am suffering an artist’s crisis. It is not one of confidence, but one of belief. And threaded through this I wonder whether it is incorrect to have the expectation that it should be any other way, if I’m supposed to learn to accept the everyday every day, rather than to desire to create and to live beyond the everyday.

Does any of this make sense? To anyone except for me?

My soul is languishing.

One thought on “Ambivalence

  1. Being a musician that ignored who he was most his life I can attest that the change you seek is there within you, no less. It’s not always easy to do what makes you happy when you leave room for the voice that the world of “reason” that is thrust on us by a left brained non creative world. But when you decide to fully honor that creative being within, by doing what you love no matter what, things begin to change around you. You’ve heard it before; synergy.

    For me and others I know that point, some soul work from is in order. A couple of books that are really, really helping me grow into that fully creative person are “Wishes Fulfilled” by Dr. Wayne Dyer and “Core Transformation” by Connierae Andreas and Tamara Andreas. I hope you take time to look into them.

    And if your are truly a creative being, doing what makes you happy no matter what the world may tell you, is the only way to happiness. Trust me when I tell you that doing otherwise is much more costly to your soul than you can truly know.

    Best wishes,


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