Let me state from the outset that I have been examined by a physician and I am not clinically depressed. I have also seen a psychiatrist and she has also said that I am not depressed. I was. During my pregnancy, I suffered severe perinatal depression. I came to understand that perinatal depression is often intrinsically linked to one’s relationships and support systems. Pregnancy creates its own little hormonal time-bomb; bad relationships or lack of support can set the bomb off. In my case, I had both. My partner was fundamentally incapable of dealing with the mental demands of my pregnancy, and I was 3000 miles away from my friends and family. I got well, however. I went to a psychiatrist. She helped me to understand the physical changes and demands of my pregnancy on my brain, and provided the support I was not getting at home. Although I do not see her regularly anymore, I maintain contact with her and have continued taking depression screens. I am not depressed.
I open with that caveat because I have changed in a way with which I am not quite at ease., but the lack of ease is not manifesting itself as angst. Rather, I observe that I am how I am. I’ve become ridiculously unflappable, even when it seems flap might be in order. I observe people experiencing their emotions, particularly in relationships, and often I wonder what all the excitement is about. It isn’t that I don’t feel. Quite the contrary. I love my daughters so much it can bring me to tears. Yet I see how people get quite excited about things that seem so silly and I simply cannot feel it. I feel like I’m observing beings from another planet.
I have become remarkably disengaged. I used to feel a pressing urge to write and publish. Lately, I have the desire to write, but it isn’t quite so urgent anymore. Words aren’t tapping my brain. They are there. They swim in and swim out. But mostly now it’s like I’m a fish swimming along observing, with no desire to share it with anyone. Life is there. I see it. Now I see something else. It’s odd, this feeling. My head used to be so energetic. No more. So much of what I observe seems so unendingly ridiculous. Humanity seems destined for demise, at a faster and faster pace, and I’m just swimming along watching. This is part of why I haven’t found much to write about lately; nothing seems much to demand so much energy. So much of what goes on seems such a waste of time, and I’m busy taking care of my baby, my daughter, and myself. I’m not talking about the things that are important. I’m not talking about working hard on things that are worthwhile. But a lot of energy is wasted on a lot that isn’t important at all, and I cannot fathom what all the fuss is about. The whole world seems caught up in a lot of nonsense. A LOT of nonsense. Reality television, piss poor bands, sports, “Tea Parties” by uneducated fools who wouldn’t know democracy if it hit them in the face, which star slept with whom, and on and on. I know. I’m being judgmental. But so much of what is important is lost in the barrage of incessant noise, background constancy that distracts and distracts and distracts, numbing and pulling attention away from most of what is important.
The other day I pulled up in front of my house to wait for my daughter to bring something out to me from the house. As I sat there waiting for her, a person drove up behind me. They could have gone around, there was room, but did not. After about 20 seconds, the woman gunned her engine and drove up next to me, screaming and flipping me off, before driving on. I just looked at her. What in the world was that about? Why all the fuss over having to go around? People can be seriously deranged.
Some say if you aren’t mad, you aren’t paying attention. To some degree I agree. But I just can’t get fired up anymore. Over and over and over, hypocrisy, ignorance, and idiocy seem destined for superiority. So I observe. I feel like someone watching humanity as it drives itself over a cliff.