I don’t know if the fact I feel like I’m going crazy is because I have not had this outlet or because of all the other shit going on in my life or both. Last night, I totally and completely lost it. I went out into my car and screamed FUCK at the top of my lungs. It did not help. I had to sit there and stew in my juices until I calmed down. I was so angry. Actually angry. The kind of angry where if the wrong person had been in front of me, I probably would have smashed them in the face. That would not have been good. It was just one thing after another after another after another, all damn day long. I finally blew a fuse. It kept me twitching for hours, like some fucking meth freak or something.
This morning when I came to work and was able to get on the internet, there was an email from someone who reads this blog checking in on me. He was worried about me because my posts of late have been a bit angsty, then I disappear for 6 days. I thought this was so sweet and somewhat ironic. Some person I do not know wants to make sure I’m okay, but the people who do know me could give a shit. It’s fucking insane. This is the life I’ve created for myself? Indeed.
I do not have internet access at home. It will be a miracle if I do tonight after the shit and hell I’ve been through with stupid Qwest. Their bullshit contributed to my fuse blowing. I have a lot of work to do at work, not to mention the fact I’m being paid by someone to work for him, not write on my blog. But today, I had to write something, even if it’s trivial nonsense like this. I can’t stand the angsty, twitchy way I feel. I can’t stand waking up in the middle of the night, then falling asleep before dawn, then waking up feeling like a train wreck. If writing these few paragraphs will help, I’m willing to try it. It’s worked in the past.
One kind of cool thing happened. I won these tickets to a live performance at a radio station this afternoon. I think I’ve heard the band. I had one of their songs on my computer downloaded from when I used to have an ipod. Other than that, I don’t know if I know their music since I’m great at knowing a song but pretty lousy at knowing who did it. I don’t have a guest to bring to the performance, even though I’m allowed, but I’m not going to dwell on that. I’ll pretend one of my internet friends is with me since it seems that’s what I’ve created for myself these days, a world where internet friends give more of a shit than live ones. But that’s a big pity party and I hate that shit, so I won’t go there. Still, all this makes me wonder where I went wrong. Was it one thing or a series of less than decisions leading to this conclusion? Probably the latter.
Sometimes I feel like my sanity is slowly dribbling away. I try and regain it. I try and exist in a life I want to be in. I try not to focus on being lonely. I try to enjoy each moment. But sometimes, it just doesn’t work. When shit is piled on one thing after another, when I realize I’ve drifted down a path I thought I took on purpose but it isn’t where I want to be, when my heart aches with the love that is no longer there, I feel like whatever semblance I had of who I am is escaping from a valve in the back of my head and this person I do not know is taking over my body. And I’m not sure this is the person I want to be. However since I can’t seem to figure out who that is anymore and no one else seems to give a shit, I wonder if it is worth bothering. So I’ll keep on keeping on and hope in the meantime I don’t kill something when I lose my mind.
Reading back through this, it sure seems like a big pity party. Ah well, such is life. It’s one of those extra lonely days after a really bad day. Guess I can’t be perfect.