Changing the Name

I no longer want my blog to be Lara Gardner’s Weblog. I want a new name. I don’t want it to be my name anymore. I am going to change it.

I have lost my writing habit, and writing is a habit. The more habitual one is in it, the easier it is to answer the call of the discipline of writing. All of my habits came crashing to a halt the day Ava died and I have been struggling to regain them. I ran religiously every other day and it’s been like moving through cement to reform that habit. This was the first week since her death I was able to do it as before. I would regularly cook a soup on the weekend, ensuring lunches to last the week long. I’ve cooked three since her death, one this week. On and on, daily life changed and I haven’t been able to solidly regain my footing. I keep thinking of her. She comes to me at odd moments. I think of that exact minute and force my mind away.

But this wasn’t to be a post about Ava dying. It is about wanting to change the name of my blog. There are many reasons for this. Too many acquaintances think it is who I am, and it’s not, and this frustrates me. Perhaps if its name is not mine, this will lessen. Also its purpose has shifted. It used to catch the random bits, force me to build and maintain the writing habit, but I’ve moved that habit on to specific projects. It also began as a need to work through life’s lessons, a place I would mull over what I was experiencing and work out what it all meant. Over time, my boundaries shifted and I no longer desired to put most of those thoughts in a public sphere. Most of those posts have been made private and I keep a journal for them that is not on the internet. Finally, I’m bored with it. It isn’t what it was. It used to be a redesign gave it a charge when it felt sloggy, but this doesn’t work any longer either.

It might go through several incarnations. I can’t say for sure. All I know is that the name will change. Soon.

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One thought on “Changing the Name

  1. I can sympathise, Lara. Been in a bit of a slump myself (due to an impending hip replacement that brought home the reality that I am not Superman after all – a crushing blow!).

    But, more to the point – and, again, very much like you – I just wondered what the hell was the point of forcing oneself to write an update frequently. I know the value of discipline for writing (I wrote eight books including management texts, literary fiction, erotica and just plain fiction over a five year period up to 2008 by simply sitting at the kitchen table each evening and going at it for about an hour and a half). But the malaise affecting both of us (it seems) is that we have suffered loss and that has discharged our normal energies. Not a bad thing, in itself, I think but it certainly puts it all into a different perspective.

    So many of the blogs that interest me are those that tell deeply personal stories (like this woman, Lara Gardner, I came across!). Not the wankers who want to expose every crushingly boring detail of their sadly inadequate lies but people telling how they cope with daily life and its myriad challenges.

    It is not for me to tell you what to do from here. I just want you to know that your predicament is one that is shared. From reading your blog for a while now (I think I recall I was one of your early subscribers – who knows, I forget stuff these days!) you do have good things to say – and you say them well. I feel confident you will regain your writing spark at some stage. The discipline aspect you have already made part of your persona so that will click into gear when you find something you WANT to say again. And, of course, it is only sensible that grief provides such a counterpoint to our normal range of emotions and activities. It really does make many things seem shallow and fairly pointless. All part of your healing process, mate.

    I feel confident you will engage the world once more once you have fully grieved. No rush. Just be kind to yourself. And don’t feel guilty about anything as fleetingly worthwhile as blogging.

    With sincere best wishes, david.

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