Leaning

I should just admit I’m powerless and stay the hell out of Powell’s. My aversion to corporate conglomerates protects me when I go somewhere like Barnes and Noble, which I only walk through on the way to taking daughters to ice skating lessons, but resistance is futile at Powell’s. It’s organized. It’s got that smell. I bought a book there tonight with that perfect ink and paper smell, an older book with crinklish pages. I opened it and put my nose in the center and breathed in. I can almost feel it sitting here. There is a pile next to me of four books. That is how many I bought. There is a book in my purse I bought on a recent visit. I bought two books last Wednesday. I’m an addict.

I have experienced a number of situations recently that could elicit complaints, but I have zero desire to complain. I will note, however, that I was quite disappointed in myself while reading an earlier post of mine to discover that I had used the word peek when I meant peak. Aghast, I changed it immediately, but it has been out there for many weeks. I guess it is a good thing I have low readership.

I think I’m getting sick. I have been tired like a pregnant woman, but there is no possibility of that. Tonight I don’t even think I can go running. I just can’t. I’m so exhausted. Plus there is a tickle in the back of my throat. And a cough. And another cough. One here. One there. These are indicators that something ugly might be looming on the horizon. Both daughters had a nasty head virus a week or so back. I didn’t. I thought perhaps I had developed an immunity at some earlier point in my history. Now I’m not so sure.

I’m bending, my life is anyway. It’s bending in its direction, and I have no ability to aim it in any way that I feel I can control. I’m isolated. I am like a single tree in a meadow, leaning toward the sun, but the sun moves, and so I just hang there. I’m watching people fall away. I missed something somehow. I do not know how to be. Mainly, I just want to go to bed.

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2 thoughts on “Leaning

  1. Hello Lara.
    Coming by to thank you so much for the follow on my Lady Barefoot Baroness blog and read this post and …
    ….I read: ” I have a few friendships where this isn’t the case, but they are the exception.”

    I think you are a lovely person with m so much to give that people are not sure how to adjust I say this because this is who I am. I wear my heart on both my blouse sleeves and my pant legs. I am like this when it come to my feelings too.

    I think it is just that I am older.

    I would like to say that from my point of view of life is that those exceptions are really all you need, and that although there is nothing else like this kind of relationship they are are far and few. It is natural to want more of a good thing. But I do not see this as a bad thing..
    I have acquaintances by the handful, even some I will have dinner with and drinks after, with But I confide little to these friends.
    I then have those who are my absolute kindred brothers and sisters. These are the friends who know me like few do. They are the people in my life I share everything with and they return the trust.

    .Something that stands out in my mind is that if every person I know was a trusted authentic best friend how insignificant the meanings behind this kind of relationship it would become. It would be just like with everyone else. Nothing unique and special which is how I see those closest to me my best friends.

    Lovely post m I like it when they spur on discussions.

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